Hi guys. I am re-opening this entry. Sorry if i have confused any of you guys. Things have been complicated. Something happened made me privatise the entry. And some other new things made it public again.
What made everything changed? It’s just a phone call. A phone call somebody recieved. That’s it. Finished. All gone.
I feel sorry to all my friends here who has been supporting me. You guys are amazing. But I am so weak. Not able to do what i have promised to do.
Just give me another chance. I can do it. That’s why I am re-opening this entry.
其實﹐我連抽煙的習慣也沒有。
Gynnie說一睡解千愁﹐我若有千愁﹐我又怎能睡﹖
昨晚沒有睡﹐事情來得太突然﹐我根本接受不了。
不對﹐其實我有沒有預計到﹐我也不能接受。
我心痛﹐心痛這東西說來便來﹐說走便走﹐連再見也省了。
我憤怒﹐憤怒我已放棄了一切﹐已付出了所有﹐要留的﹐始終留不住。
我後悔﹐後悔這明明是我遇料到的結局﹐偏偏我仍讓自己繼續。
我放不低﹐我承受不了那痛楚﹐所以我說我要忘記。
我要在一支煙的時間忘記。
當然﹐我不成功。
但當我今天從大學回來﹐再看一次我的留言後﹐我有另一種體會。
本來是傷感的事情﹐竟變了惹笑。
無意中欺騙了Gynnie嬸嬸(在試你的底線﹐現在生氣了沒有﹖) 和Amazinao和Betty﹐讓你怚H為有圖片看。
被幾位搗亂了我的心情﹐我竟然覺得舒服了一點。
悲痛的事過去了﹐回頭一看﹐可以變成可笑的東西。
間中拿出來取笑一下自己﹐我當時是那麼的蠢﹐我當時竟為了她那麼心痛﹐我當時是那麼的不能接受現實﹐這種自嘲﹐其實最好笑。
可是我一向都沒有這種拿自己的痛苦出來說笑的力量﹐可能是這原因﹐使我不快樂。
現在雖然痛苦﹐但快樂的時光總算有過。但是現在當我回想﹐我祗想到這些時光都不會再重來﹐我感到無限的空虛。
完結了﹐我能如何處置這記憶﹖
最好的方法大概是把它變成笑話吧。
多謝Gynnie小姐的愚笨﹐使我看通了一點點。
還是你是故意的﹖讓我看透這件事嗎﹖哈哈﹐原來是高手。
我仍然沉澱在自我的痛苦當中﹐不能掙脫。
我仍然是放不低﹐我軟弱的心仍天真地祈望有轉機。
今晚﹐我依然是睡不了。
今晚﹐我雖一邊哭﹐但我一邊也在笑。
我﹐會振作起來。
先多謝Yan, Alva, Cheryl, Betty 和 Naomi 的留言。
這地方雖然沒有創作出什麼傑作﹐但卻顯示了這裡有一群質素極高的讀者。
人生中總會遇到高低起跌﹐間中都會意志消沉﹐開始時我以為這祗是一個讓我發泄的空間﹐怎料從網友的留言中都可以學到那麼多東西﹐希望我們能夠在這裡互相勉勵﹐互相學習。
人很奇怪﹐有些說話﹐由身邊親近的人說出口﹐總是聽不入耳。由一些素未謀面的人說出口﹐反而特別有意思。
To Cheryl 小姐﹕你一面說﹐一面強調你沒有惡意﹐叫我不要生氣﹐那麼我那裡有理由發怒呢﹖這大概是你的心理學手法吧﹖我不介意做你的病人﹐但你對在下的種種猜測﹐我是不會在這裡正面回答你的﹐你繼續估吧﹗哈哈﹗
再次多謝大家的留言﹐我會嘗試吸收了﹐哈哈。有機會在和大家討論這些課題。
‘打倒小日本﹗﹗﹗’(普通話)
反日浪潮近日於全國爆發﹐有人不斷宣傳‘抵制日貨’的口號﹐我認為﹐打擊日本人﹐不一定要停止買日本貨﹐其實有些更好的方法。正如四哥在少林足球話﹕要嬴波唔一定要入波﹐我有D更激既方法。
方法如下﹕
1. 男仕們可以每天不斷精神上強姦日本女人﹐例如﹕南波杏﹐及村奈央﹐朝河蘭﹐小森美樹等等。材料方面可到旺角信和中心等地方購買。
2. 全力改裝日本人所製造的電視遊戲主機﹐如PS2。然後大量生產翻版遊戲﹐打擊日本日漸受韓國威脅的遊戲市場。值得翻版的遊戲例如有香港10歲至30歲男人都識玩的足球遊戲Winning Eleven。經翻版改裝後可加插王興貴及阿叔的廣東話傍述。還有日本人把中國文化發揮得淋漓盡至的亂劈遊戲‘三國無雙’。
3. 在銅鑼環及尖沙咀地區不斷開設底質素的日本料理﹐用機器大量生產極不新鮮的壽司﹐及不斷創作令人作嘔的新款壽司﹐例如櫻花海草朱古力壽司等﹐破壞日本飲食文化。(順帶一提﹕和民旁邊的另一間日本料理其實是依靠在和民門口等位等得不耐煩的顧客而生存的)
4. 運用BT從網上下載日本動畫﹐如Naruto狐忍﹐鋼之煉金術師等﹐然後燒錄成DVD﹐向同學同事們兜售﹐破壞日本強大的動漫畫行業。
5. 勸王家衛導演繼續選用如木村拓哉等日本大明星﹐電影拍攝完畢後把其戲份全部剪走﹐打擊日本娛樂圈士氣。
6. 繼續在ebay炒賣日本品牌Bape所推出的五顏六色迷彩外套﹐損害該品牌的利益。
7. 搞亂銅鑼環的交通﹐盡量選擇在日資百貨公司SOGO門口等人﹐阻礙顧客進入該百貨公司。
8. 停止使用日產DVD機﹐改用國產品牌Shinco﹐觀看翻版牒效果特佳。
若果閣下還有其他提議﹐請留言﹗
若閣下發現自己正在使用的Laptop乃日本牌子﹐請立即切腹自盡﹗
閣下若果不認同小弟說的話﹐大可以不走開不看﹐你不想知道我的事﹐更應該走開。
我不明白你有什麼不滿﹐更不認為你有資格批評我﹐你的那一套不見得令你快樂。
我說我的話﹐有我的目的﹐我自己是否完全相信﹐又是令一回事﹐你喜歡便隨便加一句pathetic﹐沒有考慮我的感受﹐我都沒有怪你﹐你要發你那不可理喻的脾氣﹐我卻不能遷就。
各人有各人愛的方法﹐你可以不認同除了你那一套以外的方法﹐但你不可以看不起其他人﹐是愛﹐是折磨﹐都是人家的感覺﹐你可以不鼓勵﹐但不可以說pathetic。
以下的不是說你。
家家有本難唸的經。別人的苦處﹐旁人很難完全理解。
從自己的眼睛去看人家的事情﹐少了一種私人感情﹐總會覺得自己比當時人看得透徹一點。
自己的煩惱﹐總是比別人的煩﹐比起所有人的都難應付。
大家的人生方向不同﹐價值觀不同﹐往往對同一件事會有不同的見解。但有人有足夠的智慧去決定對與錯嗎﹖對錯是誰定﹐要過理性的一關﹐又要過感性的一關﹔過了自己一關﹐又要過別人和社會的那一大關。對與錯的標準是人定的﹐我們的人生卻不像基本法一般﹐可以找人大來釋法。
人生走到這兒﹐我們做過了那麼多錯的決定﹐我們卻不是都錯有錯著﹐活到今天嗎﹖多少糟塌了的愛﹐多少浪費了的心血﹐逝去了﹐不可重來。我們有幾多悔恨﹐幾多遺憾﹖
這是個生活富足但不快樂的年代。我們從小被教導去追求一些虛浮的東西﹐被灌輸一些錯誤的觀念。我們拼命讀書﹐拼命工作﹐我們都努力﹐追求勝利的感覺。我們被社會所定下的道德觀念所規範﹐我們每天為了讓別人看得起自己而努力﹐要對得起父母﹐對得起國家﹐對得起所有對我們有所記望的人。
最後﹐得到了所有長輩都推薦的東西﹐得到了大家都追求的東西﹐我們﹐便達成了我們人生的目標﹐爸媽的目標﹐社會的目標。
對與錯﹐最終是由按照這標準裡最成功的人而定。
香港人﹐我們都是那樣的拼命。
你若相信這一套﹐你的人生便快樂。
你若不相信﹐也沒辦法﹐人總要活下去﹐做自己沒有興趣的事﹐沒辦法總會辛苦一點。
我21了﹐我不知道自己想要什麼﹐我祗是走著大家都在走的路。
我每天都想努力過這社會的一關﹐達到這社會的標準﹐但我總是做得不好。
可能是因為我是天蠍座﹐很神秘﹐有很多秘密﹐不告訴別人﹐有時我自己都不知道自己在想什麼。其實﹐沒有人明白我﹐因我說的﹐太少了。雖然我很多話講﹐有時我說的﹐我都不知道是不是真的。
這世界的事﹐越去想越是不理解﹐越去探究越沒有道理。
懶得去想﹐我想我還是要背上一個個的包袱去做人﹐或許到死那一刻﹐我會明白一切的道理。
或許到死也不能。
現代的愛有兩種﹐一是無條件的﹐二是有條件的。
無條件的愛是無法解釋的﹐愛便是愛﹐沒有原因。
有條件的愛是有理由的﹐這種愛有標準﹐有摘偶條件﹐可能是樣貌身材﹐可能是身家背景。
相愛容易相處難﹐相愛和相處兩者其實是很不同的。
相愛﹐是巧合的﹐在眾多的異性當中﹐我愛上了你﹐而你也在眾多當中選擇了我﹐愛上了﹐便一起。
相處的人﹐卻是你已愛上的﹐已選擇了的﹐你可以和你選擇了的愛人好好相處嗎﹖
兩個人相處﹐總有爭拗。有時相處﹐在乎包容。
你的愛若是無條件的﹐你便能無條件地包容﹐包容他的缺點﹐他的野蠻﹐他的嗅狐。若果大家的愛也是無條件的﹐那麼相處便容易﹐快樂。
你能包容他對你呼之則來﹐揮之則去。你能包容他雙重標準﹐不准你和異性接觸﹐自己卻和異性約會。你甚至能忍受他不愛你﹐他的心裡還有別人。
但是你的愛若是有條件的﹐相處便不容易了。這時候﹐你要衡量大家的付出是否相等﹐他的條件又是否好到你要去包容他的缺點。
我愛你的美﹐有一天你不美了﹐我便不再愛你。現在的你和剛剛相愛的你不一樣﹐條件不符合了﹐我便不能愛你。
相處之所以難﹐是因為我們的愛﹐都是有條件的。
就是愛人﹐我們都怕輸﹐怕蝕底﹐我們把愛當作遊戲﹐要嬴。
當爸爸媽媽知道女兒開始拍拖﹐便把女兒拉入房﹐訓話說﹕不要太投入﹐不要‘蝕底比人’ 。
大概就是這種傳統的教育使我們到現在也是愛情初學者吧。就是這種觀念﹐令我們常常都愛得很痛苦。
有人對我說過﹐她怕付出﹐她怕受傷害﹐所以她永遠不會為我做些甚麼﹐犧牲甚麼。她認為愛情太不重要了﹐不能為它放棄太多。
若是兩年前的我﹐會覺得這樣很成熟﹐現在的我﹐聽了覺得很心酸﹐我想﹐這大概就是我們這些年輕人對人生﹐對愛情的價值觀吧。
我們又回到現實和浪漫的交叉點。相信愛﹐浪漫的人便是幼稚嗎﹖現實﹐拼命最趕我們這些所謂的人生目標﹐便算是成熟嗎﹖
我們一次又一次被愛情擊敗了﹐我們愛的人又一次又一次地令我們失望。我們卻又自動自覺再去愛了﹐在心底裡﹐我們仍然對愛有希望﹐我們仍然相信愛情。
可是﹐當愛情碰上這個社會上很多奇怪的價值觀的時候﹐我們又不能簡單地愛了。
我常說﹕兩個人相愛﹐總有一方愛對方多一點﹐總不會大家都一樣愛大家那麼多。
那麼﹐我是那一方呢﹖愛多一點的那個注定受傷害嗎﹖愛少一點的有是否會很自私了﹖
相處上出現了問題﹐總有人要讓步﹐我愛你那麼多﹐我怕失去你﹐所以我便要讓步﹐你要我改﹐我便要改﹐因為我不能失去你。
沒有公平不公平。愛情是你情我願。
有些人﹐在愛情關係上不肯犧牲﹐會有兩個藉口﹕
<我若變了﹐‘我’ 便不是‘我’ 吧。>
<我若變了﹐便不是當初你愛的我了。>
我說這些是藉口﹐是因為它們有邏輯上的謬誤。
你若便了﹐你仍然是你﹐我們每天都在變﹐十年前的我和今天的我不同。但我仍然是我﹐你若愛‘我’ ﹐‘我’ 變了﹐你也會愛。
當初我愛你﹐是不知道你有這些這些缺點的﹐要白頭到老﹐便要學識互相遷就﹐你變好了﹐我可以更愛你。
你若愛我﹐你便會為我改變﹐直到有一天你變成可以和我結婚的人﹐變成可以和我共度一生的人。
愛和投資一樣﹐是有風險的。
但愛之所以和買賣股票不一樣﹐是因為愛﹐是不計較回報的。
若愛是遊戲﹐你又是個祗注重輸嬴的參賽者﹐你註定會輸。
我見過毫無保留去愛人的人﹐我見過真正的快樂。
真正的快樂﹐在乎愛人﹐不在乎被愛。
真的愛﹐是永遠勝利的。
Yes. My last entry was like 20 days ago. Some friends ask me to update. Haha like I really got some desperate readers. I haven’t updated because I was on holiday. 3 weeks easter break, Hong Kong people don’t get too surprised. Other universities in the United Kingdom got 4 or 5 weeks. When I have lectures and tutorials and essays and projects to hand in, I’d have the mood to write and write and write long entries. Once I got holiday, I’m too busy playing. Yes I only write when I’m supposed to be working on something else. This is me. And I feel that this will be a long entry. So my friends, please read it, since I haven’t updated for a long time.
Another reason for not updating is that I don’t know what to talk about. Things happened in this holiday. There are things that I don’t want to tell. Things that I don’t want to share. Unhappy things. My secret thoughts. I wish I can share them with you some other days. Now this entry is about today.
Pope died.
This can be the first topic among every conversation we are going to have in this coming week. This is on the A1 on the newspaper. To me, I have no feelings towards it, at all.
Call me cold-blooded. But I really don’t want to pretend that I care about it very much. Because I just don’t. Does it really concern me? I don’t know, I’m not catholic. I hate it when I hear people talking about the pope’s health. It’s not news, it’s not interesting anymore. We all know he has bad health for the past few years. If you guys know he’s going to die soon, then why all the fuss about him actually dying? I just don’t understand. He is a very important man. I understand. But I wonder how many of those who feel sorry about his death actually know things about the pope. What he did in his life. I don’t know much about the pope. Therefore I do not feel bad. Just like I don’t feel bad that someone was killed in Chinatown.
Everyday we read the news, we read about the things that doesn’t really concern us. We care about David Beckham and Lee Ka Sing, who has no connection with us whatsoever. Why do we want to know things about them? Isn’t it more important to care about things that are around us? Maybe one of my distant relatives is dying. Maybe one of my neighbours has fallen down the stairs. Maybe my boss is having a divorce. Maybe somebody was hit by a car outside my door.
Why do we care what we care? Because it is on the newspaper? Why do we not care what we don’t care? Because it is too close to us and we neglect it? I know the name of the designer of LV. But I don’t know the last name of my neighbour next door. I buy a book about sex life between some porn star and some hairstylist but we don’t read the history about our country.
We’ve been fed by the wrong media with the wrong information. Or maybe we human are just too dumb to know what we should really care about.
I have to stop here to say that I do think the death of the pope is a really big thing. And we should all feel sorry. But I’m not sorry that I don’t feel sorry.
Sometimes I feel that nothing get me excited anymore. Nothing surprises me. I lost my interest in everything. The Pope died doesn’t really surprise me. In fact, nothing really surprises me. I remember when I was told about 911, I did not show any feelings of surprised or scared or sadness. And people think I was weird. Am I really that weird? Or are we just pretending to be surprised when we are told about things that do not concern us? So we can fit in the society?
Maybe we are in the stage of confusion. Imagine being a baby, just born, and everything I see is new to me. So everything is interesting, exciting. I have lived 21 years. I have seen too many things. Maybe not in real life but in TV, internet, movies, we must have seen a lot. We human already knew too much about the world. There are too many bads in the world. We have already got used to it. People get killed everyday. People get raped every second. We know about it. We tolerate it. We feel nothing about it. We are numb. The older we grow the less excited we get. The excitement gradually declines. We have got used to all surprises. We know anything can happen. History simply repeats itself. Human makes the same mistakes again and again. No surprise at all. New fashion is just adapting some old fashion that we have forgotten. New ideas are just a combination, or some improvements or old ideas.
Ok. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I am just too stupid and lazy to find out things that are exciting. But definitely not economics.
There is one thing that always gets me excited. People who know me well would know what I’m talking about. Hahahaha….
Feeling a bit lost here.
I tried to be happy. We all try to be happy. I guess that’s why we are unhappy. The harder we try, the shittier we feel.
If I do not do anything, if I do not expect anything, if I do not go after things that I think would make me happy, maybe I would be happier than that I am now. Once we start trying to improve our lives, our lives are doomed. We are bounded to be unsatisfied.
The best thing in our lives are always things that we cannot get, or things that we have already given up. What we have do not make us happy, because we already have it. Once we lose it, it becomes more important to us again.
What we have in real life has nothing to do with happiness. I can be rich but sad. I can be crazy but happy. Slowly we learn that we cannot rely on anything. We cannot rely on money. We cannot rely on another human being. We can only rely on ourselves. You yourself decide if you want to be happy. It is all in your mind. Suddenly I realise Economics is meaningless.
If you looked back at your life behind, you will realise that things could have been much better. Everything could have improved if we can go back and adjust a little bit. But we cannot. So maybe we have been wrong for 20 years. And it is too late to do anything about it. All you can do is to keep walking on the wrong route, and see if you can find your way out.
Afterall, does it matter what subject do I do? Does it matter who I love? Does it matter what job do I have? Does it matter how much money I have? I may just be another sad person with another degree and another woman as my wife and another shitty job and another amount of money in my bank.
If I am going to die anyway, I would not care if it is cancer or a plane crash.
I think I am not happy and I think I know why. I think I can try to make it better by pretending that I do not care. As long as I do not care, I do not feel anything about it.
I like to make other people happy. I like to make people laugh. I can make people laugh even my own life is a tragedy. I can make fun of my life to cheer you up. If I see you smile, I will feel better.
Life is a black comedy.
學不了﹐說不完
我想我是早熟的那一類﹐我第一次拍拖是中一﹐即十三歲。換句話說﹐我接觸戀愛這玩兒﹐已經八年。Alva小姐看到這裡﹐會加一句﹕Jeremy是這方面的專家。我不是專家﹐我祗是過來人。
會來這裡看我寫的東西﹐我的朋友們﹐大概全部都也是過來人﹐對這題目不會覺得陌生。每個人都愛過﹐每個人都有自己一個悲慘的故事﹐每個人都把自己的故事說過千遍﹐愛情這題目﹐我們都講到厭了。
愛過了﹐恨過了﹐笑過﹐痛過。我們都體驗過這路上的起跌﹐走到這裡﹐我們學到什麼﹖
我以為因為戀愛﹐我成長了很多﹐但是今天我發現﹐其實我們﹐什麼都學不到。愛情路上﹐我們永遠是初哥。失敗過後﹐我們以為我們從失敗中學習了。其實沒有﹐我們還是繼續錯。
很多時候﹐我們以為自己改變了﹐其實沒有﹐我們都改不了。
我們都不斷犯錯。
我們繼續注重一些不重要的東西﹐最重要的﹐我們繼續忽略。
我們繼續愛那些不愛我們的﹐愛我們的﹐我們繼續裝作看不見。
我們繼續用傷害對方的方法去愛人﹐我們繼續用愛做藉口﹐企圖完全佔有別人。
我們繼續延續那沒有愛的關係。
我們繼續以愛的名義﹐去做些瘋狂的事﹐繼續用愛﹐去博取同情。
我們其實知道愛是什麼東西﹐我們其實知道愛的破壞力﹐但是我們不信邪﹐我們用愛做藉口﹐告訴自己控制不了﹐然後繼續去打那毫無把握的仗﹐把大家打至遍體麟傷。
我們都好像沒有進步。每一段新感情來了的時候﹐我們都回到起點。
然後﹐由起點開始﹐我們又把這題目﹐從新討論一次。
不緊要﹐你一言﹐我一語﹐我們一起參與。
10/3/2005 15:30
七年半
我今年二十一﹐七年是我人生的三份一。
再見
我不知道﹐說再見的理由是真是假﹐是否重要。從電影角度來看﹐中間部份無論怎麼樣爛都可以﹐但結局一定要好看。
不捨得
中國人就是有太多這些感情太豐富的用詞﹐在討論有關整個香港的事情上﹐這三個字﹐適用嗎﹖
同情
負資產﹐我同情。失業﹐我同情。無良顧主走佬無糧出﹐我同情。破產跳樓染肺炎﹐我同情。便秘﹐我都同情。做全國政協委員﹐家族生意股價繼續攀升﹐我…eh…
歷史
歷史教科書上的歷史﹐是經過編輯的。歷史人物到現在還有平反的機會。六四﹐七一﹐我們卻不會忘記。
二﹐五
有些人為了個人利益﹐可以無中生有。有可以變無﹐無可以變有﹐基本法不是憲制性文件﹐是一本教變魔術的書﹐應改叫基本變戲法。
何鴻燊
朋友們﹐人家叫賭王﹐是有原因的﹐並非浪得虛名。
腳痛
我現在明白為什麼腳底按摩這麼流行﹐腳﹐是多麼的重要啊。
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